Friday, June 12, 2009

Explication des Emotions

I'm not one who has any patience for suicide. I don't like it. At all. But lately, too much has been going on for me to feel like anything's worth it. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live.

Why do they matter? Who cares if you got a fucking C in English class fourth quarter? Why does it matter if you take the AP track or not, why are we so obsessed with the little markings that control our lives? Lately, I've been so overwhelmed by it. My inadvertent strategy is that I'm too scared and anxious to even pick up my homework, so I just don't do it. Then I panic about not doing it. But it's too scary to try. So I panic.

They're demanding. They're loud. They're... there. That clamoring
thereness usually helps me keep my sanity, but lately I haven't been able to deal with it all the time. I've been distant, impatient, jumpy, and sad. Not my usual. They notice, but think they can cheer me up. Sometimes tey do. Some days, they help me forget what's going on in my head. Some days I just silently scream "go away, go away, go away," even when I don't want them to. Because I love them. I just can't deal all the time. I'm worried I'm going to do something stupid, like snap at them or judge them harshly when I just can't deal with myself.

I don't even know what to say. My house feels like a war zone even when everyone's happy. I just feel tension, because I just know something I do will break that happiness. Everything feels like my fault. I'm always on the defensive, always trying to hide, even when everyone cares. I just never know what'll ignite a fuse.

If there was a way to swap souls for a while, I would. I don't want to die. I really, really don't. I just don't want to live. I want to go unconscious and still function, make everyone happy, everything good. I just don't want to
be there. I want to hit fast-forward until my brain starts to get normal again. If it ever will.

How do you tell someone that you don't want to be alive, but that you love them?

I sound so fucking melodramatic. Like a fucking LJ-er looking for attention. I just write dramatically. But I'm feeling this. And I don't know what to do. I need a new brain. Or a different soul. I don't know. I don't want to be alive right now.

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