Thursday, April 30, 2009

Je Suis Stupide

I hate feeling useless. I've been wallowing in anxiety--which, by the way, is not getting much better--but trying to regain perspective.
I am positive that my parents are not going to be impressed with
this perspective-gaining, though.
I've come to the realization (well, I came to it long ago) that I and nearly everyone I know is so amazingly lucky to be where they are in life. Seriously, there are such unfortunate people out there, people who are living on less than $1 a day, to whom our lifestyle is beyond paradise and our problems beyond trivial.
There are girls who, rather than having the stress of what to wear to a party, are off selling their bodies to pay for their family's food. There are children who are forced into slavery and war. There is genocide going on, and all anyone can think about is their own damn life and their own superficial problems. People are starving to death, being beaten and killed, and there is a shockingly small amount of care in the world for it.
So while this does make me feel a lot better about my own situation, I also feel like this incredibly self-absorbed, insensitive person. And that's why I want to help people.
As soon as I'm out of college, because my parents won't have any form of leverage over me by then, I'm going to join Peace Corps or something and help people. I'll teach kids to read. I'll build houses. I'll solve problems. I'll do whatever I can to make this crazy world into a bit of a better place. Because if I die without having really helped someone in their life, my own life will have been a waste.
My parents aren't going to talk me out of this one. Nobody will. I've wanted to do this since I was about eight years old. There is too much bad going on in the world for me to sit back and live my own life without having helped someone else.
OK, I'm done ranting right now.
But I'm still serious.

Je Perds de ContrĂ´le..

I find it kinda funny, and I find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I'm tired of everyone telling me to be mature.
I was one of those people who was born middle-aged and gets older every year. Trust me, I'm far too mature for my age. Having anxiety and depression issues doesn't help.
Either way, my issues are too much to control at the moment. I am stuck in too many situation where nothing that I say or do will be able to in any way influence the outcome. And all of these situation drastically impact
me, so I can't go disregarding them.
I hate that word.
Everyone tells me to do it--to box up my anxieties and stick them on a shelf for a while, to relax. What they don't realize is that I did that long ago. Now the anxieties are coming to life, destroying their boxes, and running rampant around my mind. I've already minimized them as much as possible, already stepped back and tried to regain perspective. I've compartmentalized, minimized, rationalized, everything. The problem is that even after being put through the perspective factory, the issues are still there and still big.
On top of it, all of the anxiety and exhaustion and insomnia and demanding people are starting to get to me. I'm deteriorating physically and mentally, now. I'm starting to get sick. It's bad.
I just need to take a break from being everyone's therapist, stop becoming paranoid over little things, stop deciding that people hate me when they don't--and definitely stop thinking that I'm losing everyone around me. I'm not losing
everyone. Just a lot of people. Possibly.
And now everyone on crew will be mad at me.
I'm sorry that I got sick, guys. I know you're short on tech. But I don't think that you'd want me puking on stage from illness (be it physical or mental.) I will make it up to you. I'll try.
I've been dealing with these issues for too long--that must be the problem. It was easy to minimize everything back when they started, but now I'm utterly overwhelmed and at a loss for options. I'm losing control of myself, something that I fear more than anything else. I'm flying apart, and no amount of "grow up" or "compartmentalize" is going to stop the spiral at this point. I either need to totally lose it or shut down for a few days. I'll probably do both. But life will go on. It always does.
I think I need a hug.