Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Ummmm.. hey nonexistant readers. It's been a while, eh? That's cause I've moved onto bigger and better things, for the most part. Like Nutritionally Enticing! :D It's my new comic series. View it!

In other news... I got a job. At a grocery store. And this entitles me to my next classification rant on THE MOST ANNOYING CUSTOMER ALIVE.
Now, this particular specimen has never been observed in a complete form. If this had happened, they would be dead in a ditch right now.

The most annoying customer ever (or MACE, as we'll call them) comes up to my line one minute before closing (aka one minute before I LEGALLY NEED TO PUNCH OUT) with a cart FULL of groceries. They have had since early this morning to shop, but didn't. They saw that the lights were off and door was locked when they came in, but went in through the unlocked exit. When I say, "Hi, how are you?" they completely ignore me, even though there is no one else I could have said it to and I said it quite audibly. What a peach. Then, still without acknowledging my greeting, they just start telling me their phone number. (So I can look up their store account.) I realize this halfway through the rapidfire numbers and try to make my slow touchscreen get to the phone-number part fast enough. When I ask them to repeat a few digits, they give me a withering look and repeat THE WHOLE THING repeatedly, screwing up my memorized portion of the number.

The MACE with a cart would also have to have a handbasket to be a MACE, though. They slap the brimming handbasket onto the belt, juuust far enough that I'd need to stretch to get it. They then just look at it. Yup. They're going to make me unload it, because obviously emptying their own handbasket onto the belt LIKE EVERY OTHER CUSTOMER ON EARTH is far too much exertion for THEM, let alone a clearly exhausted teenager. I scan their shitload of groceries in a hurry because of my legal need to punch out before 10. They've put ALL of their considerable produce (none of which has a PLU sticker, of course, and is all organic so I need to spend twice as long looking it up and punching it in) into one of those little plastic baggies, making weighing it by item (which I am required to do) SO MUCH FUN. Especially since they knotted the baggie. Tightly. And they don't want me to un-knot or break it.

As I scan, they continue to just look at their groceries. I shove the scanned items (which are piling up at the end of the belt because I don't have a bagger this late at night) all the way to the end of the belt to give them a hint. They still just continue to stand there. I pointedly do other things to try and send the message. No dice. Now there are other customers, in big hurries, behind the MACE. They still wait for me to bag their groceries for them. So I start bagging. Only then do they slap some reusable bags onto the counter, telling me to unbag half their groceries, which I had done in plastic. I am biting back a "GO AWAYY" at this point.

Then they go to pay. This can go two ways. WAY #1: ANNOYING DEBIT. They pull out their debit card and give it to me, saying "debit." I'm like, "um.. you have the machine there..?" They can't really figure out the machine, so I have to coach them through it. They then ask the limit for cashback. I'm like, fuck. "A hundred dollars." They ask me to do cashback for them, and I'm like, it's in the machine. They cancel their payment like five times trying to figure it out. When they finally get it, they do ask for $100 cashback. I do not have this conveniently (or they tell me NOT to give them a $100 bill) so I am peeling off one-dollar bills as they deplete me of all of my twenties, tens, and fives. Which, of course, I will need for the next person's change. I give them a wad of cash and they glare at me for the inconvenient change, like it's my fault. Sorry, bitch.

WAY #2: CASH. They pay me in a huge bill for a small amount of money, like a $100 bill when their order is about $10. I'm already nearly done counting out change when they say "OH I THINK I HAVE THAT" and start fishing around for coins. I tell them no, it's quite all right, I've got their change done already, they just give me a withering look and make me re-count as they give me inconvenient coin change. Like a quarter when the charge is 7 cents. They make me print their receipt twice. I shank them with a banana and run to punch out before 10.

Ahh, minimum wage.
I am not paid enough.