Thursday, April 30, 2009

Je Perds de Contrôle..

I find it kinda funny, and I find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I'm tired of everyone telling me to be mature.
I was one of those people who was born middle-aged and gets older every year. Trust me, I'm far too mature for my age. Having anxiety and depression issues doesn't help.
Either way, my issues are too much to control at the moment. I am stuck in too many situation where nothing that I say or do will be able to in any way influence the outcome. And all of these situation drastically impact
me, so I can't go disregarding them.
I hate that word.
Everyone tells me to do it--to box up my anxieties and stick them on a shelf for a while, to relax. What they don't realize is that I did that long ago. Now the anxieties are coming to life, destroying their boxes, and running rampant around my mind. I've already minimized them as much as possible, already stepped back and tried to regain perspective. I've compartmentalized, minimized, rationalized, everything. The problem is that even after being put through the perspective factory, the issues are still there and still big.
On top of it, all of the anxiety and exhaustion and insomnia and demanding people are starting to get to me. I'm deteriorating physically and mentally, now. I'm starting to get sick. It's bad.
I just need to take a break from being everyone's therapist, stop becoming paranoid over little things, stop deciding that people hate me when they don't--and definitely stop thinking that I'm losing everyone around me. I'm not losing
everyone. Just a lot of people. Possibly.
And now everyone on crew will be mad at me.
I'm sorry that I got sick, guys. I know you're short on tech. But I don't think that you'd want me puking on stage from illness (be it physical or mental.) I will make it up to you. I'll try.
I've been dealing with these issues for too long--that must be the problem. It was easy to minimize everything back when they started, but now I'm utterly overwhelmed and at a loss for options. I'm losing control of myself, something that I fear more than anything else. I'm flying apart, and no amount of "grow up" or "compartmentalize" is going to stop the spiral at this point. I either need to totally lose it or shut down for a few days. I'll probably do both. But life will go on. It always does.
I think I need a hug.

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